STROLLIN'

Part of TWO ONE ACTS BY WYATT, at 42nd Street Theatre, New York City,
in l989


STROLLIN' by eliza wyatt


Copyright (c) l992 Eliza Wyatt


Set

Four locations, two outside, two inside. Minimal staging, park bench and office desk, suggestive of a changing urban world.


Cast

FRAN - slim, slightly worried woman in her early thirties, struggling to make her life more precious in spite of routine office work and the hurts inflicted by a mobile
society.

BOB - portly, still youthful, bureaucrat whose mind may been awakened by current trends in social awareness, but whose heart is still conservative.

NUN - a nervous person, especially outside the convent. Her lack of sexual passion has meant no conflicting emotional life and she considers success obeying out the rules.

TONI - a woman whose aim is to survive emotionally and financially and to keep her civil service job. Single and unwilling to admit there's a reason she's unattached and more than forty.

BRIAN - a complacent, slow moving young man whose athletic ability made him popular at High School, heading towards an office job in the police force.


(BOB is munching his luncheon sandwich when FRAN enters, and perches on his bench.)

BOB(Nodding towards stroller)
How's the little one?

FRAN
Fine now it's my lunch-hour. He screamed all morning.

BOB(Smiles broadly, he smiles a lot)
Healthy pair of lungs, eh?

FRAN
'Fraid so.

BOB
Had the baby with you all morning?

FRAN
Longer than that. Since he was born.

BOB
I suppose so.

FRAN
I suppose so.

BOB
But I am right, I have seen you? I have seen you around. You do work for us?

FRAN
Oh yes, that's right.

BOB
Yes, I've seen you around. Which department now? No, let me think - Accounting!

FRAN
That's it!

BOB
Of course, that's where I've seen you. Accounting! Yes, good area.

FRAN
Fantastic!

BOB
I rely on Accounting to draw the bottom line.

FRAN
We do our best.

BOB
I rely on Accounting to call me to account.

FRAN
Umm..figures don't tell the whole story.

BOB
To make me accountable, to count the ways I count. To tell me the profit and loss of the past, the projected profits of the future, to tell me the facts.

FRAN
Not my department.

BOB
You're not eating?

FRAN
Didn't get time to get myself a sandwich.

BOB
Can't have that, have some of mine. (FRAN looks.) Tuna!

FRAN
Maybe not!

BOB
It's StarKist. No dolphins killed to make this sandwich, I promise you.

FRAN
What about the tuna?

BOB
Umm... What about the baby's lunch?

FRAN
He's eaten.

BOB
You have to feed him first, yes sir. That's why he's asleep now and you can enjoy the sunshine. Have a gherkin.

FRAN
Okay! (She takes one.)

BOB
Baby came into work this morning, eh?

FRAN
Yes!

BOB
Was he good?

FRAN
No!

BOB
Oh that's right, you said.

FRAN
I ought to wake him up or he'll cry all afternoon.

BOB
Really? Yes, I guess they can do that.

FRAN(Stands up)
I don't mind but it gets on other people's nerves.

BOB
I can understand that. If you're trying to concentrate on the figures. They're grim enough these days, a crying baby is going to make matters worse. But don't wake him up now. No, he'll be cranky.

FRAN
You're right. You have kids?

BOB
Three.

FRAN
That's nice.

BOB
Wonderful, children! Not just mine. Mine are, by the way, but children are! Simply wonderful!

FRAN
Yes, they are! So is he. Your wife stays home and looks after them?

BOB
Yes, she does. We have three and looking after them's a full-time job.

FRAN
She's a professional.

BOB
She certainly is.

FRAN
Don't you think motherhood must be the oldest profession, not the other one?

BOB
Well now, you might be right.

FRAN
Back in the cave. The men must have helped the women.

BOB
Yes, they must have chucked the women a few dinosaur bones
out of the goodness of their hearts.

FRAN
To keep the clan going.

BOB
Early form of child support!

FRAN
Paid to keep the clan going.

BOB
Or we wouldn't be here to-day.

FRAN
If it was like that now I wouldn't have this problem I have now with babysitting.

BOB
No... That was very tasty tuna. Don't want to offend you if you're a vegetarian but I caught a tuna myself last summer.

FRAN
Do you have a boat?

BOB
NO! (Confession) A small sailing boat, for the kids. They like it.

FRAN
Do they like to fish?

BOB
Not as much as me, but I'm trying to teach them. They don't understand that you have to study, learn how to enjoy things. They think enjoyment's television and video-games. But a small boat on the open sea with the sun coming up, casting for that slippery fish, that's life.

FRAN
I want him to have a good life, house and garden. Hey, I'll settle for a back porch. Even apartments have them. I'd like him to have a dog too, a pooch of some sort. I've always wanted a dog but, you know, not easy to manage in the city. So now I pet him. (Looks into stroller) I hope he doesn't mind.



BOB
No... My wife pets ours all the time.
(Smiles, nods, rises, brushing crumbs off his lap.) That's it for lunch or Accounting will call me to account.

FRAN
Excuse me, before you go I wonder if...I don't like to ask you this but my sister moved to California.

BOB
Good for her!

FRAN
And she has two adorable kids, my nieces. But her husband suddenly got transferred to Carmel, so she's not around anymore. I miss them, and it's left me without a babysitter which is why I'm have to take him to work. Hearing you talk about your kids has made me wonder if you'd look after him this afternoon.

BOB
Me? I have to work.

FRAN
Me too. They told me I can't bring him into the office, it's distracting.

BOB
I can't. And you can't go giving your baby to strangers. I know you better than that and I don't even know you.

FRAN
He's no trouble. Do your secretary a favor. She can play with him.

BOB
My secretary's a man.

FRAN
Even better, they can get into that bonding thing.

BOB
I can't... What would my wife say.

FRAN
I don't know your wife, what would she say?

BOB
I don't babysit my own kids!

FRAN
But I'd like to, I'd like to stay at home with him but I have to work.


BOB
Where's your husband? The father? I suppose you don't know. He took off, an irresponsible musician type, a wanderer, eh? Sleeping with whatever woman. Bar hopping, oh, yes, I know the type. Plays the guitar, strums the guitar, can't read a note of music but the women love him.

So what, you may say to me: so why didn't you think, why didn't you think through the trouble this behavior of his was going to cause you? Too late to be sorry now, you may say. I'll give you some advice: once you've got a kid, I've got three so I know what I'm talking about, if you put them first it's a piece of cake. My wife came up with this advice. But it works. That's what you have to do, everybody does if they've got kids.

FRAN
I'd like to, but I have to pay my rent.

BOB
Can't you ask him, Mr. Unwashed Romantic? Okay, so he's not lazy, he's a brain surgeon who's been laid off. You went to a sperm bank. It doesn't matter. What's this got to do with me? That's what I'd like to know. Why buttonhole me?

FRAN
I can't afford to lose my job.

BOB
Neither can I. Not in these tough times. I've got three kids.

FRAN
On television I saw this tribe, and they solved their babysitting problems this way. If the woman couldn't survive because of her child, she'd wait for a celebration one day and then threw her baby at the passing chieftain with a yell. The yell was important. HAYAAA! (She imitates throw) If the chieftain caught the child, he'd have to care for it forever. If he let it drop, the child died in front of everyone.

BOB
Interesting custom! I have to be getting back to the office.

FRAN
A few hours, at the most. What harm can it do?

BOB
Plenty! Really. Imagine! You're too far out of line. Sorry, no dice. Nada. No, sorry, no deal!



FRAN
This isn't a game show. Unless it's Wheel of Misfortune.

(BOB exits in a hurry, Fran follows him pushing stroller.)

Scene Two

(The same park bench, NUN enters and paces up and down. She is a nervous person, and nervous of being alone in public.
FRAN enters, pushing the stroller.)

FRAN
Excuse me, mother.

NUN (Tuts, her favorite form of expression; she purses her lips almost as if she's going to kiss and pushes her tongue against the roof of her mouth, uttering a juicy tssssk, often accompanied by a nod up or down or sideways. The tut is another way of saying a nonsensical NO! and this can be said if necessary.)

FRAN (Follows NUN)
I was brought up in a convent.

NUN (Tuts and does not stop pacing.)

FRAN
Notra Dame, Our Lady of Lourdes. Is that yours?

NUN
Our Lady of Fatima.

FRAN
Fatima, it's been years since I heard that word. I'm still a Catholic. Like yourself. Or do you consider yourself a Super-Catholic. Or a saint? Joking! I know nuns take saints seriously because I was raised by them. Nuns, not saints. My mother ran away to Mexico when I was thirteen and left the nuns in charge of me. So I feel like I know you. What do you call yourself, mother or sister. What are you?

NUN
Which!

FRAN
Witch? Sister witch? Can you stop a minute?

NUN (Tuts)
I'm waiting for someone.

FRAN
Of course you are! Nuns always travel in pairs - like policemen. Better to travel with a friend, more fun. Only human! Although I know nuns try hard not to be.
NUN (Tut tuts)

FRAN
And sometimes they succeed.

NUN
You really can't stand here talking to me.

FRAN
Why not? I'm not a man. The nuns were good to me. I thought I 'd become one. Then I hit fifteen. You know what I mean.
But my nuns used to have bigger headgear. More white, made them look more like they might take off any minute, become angels, or cooks. They cooked. Do you cook?

NUN (Tuts)

FRAN
Now you look more modern. The bob cap is new, looks nice. A little maid-like. But then God isn't an equal opportunity employer, is he? (Pause) Now I've got this baby.

NUN (Tuts)

FRAN
Do you want to have a look at him?

NUN (Nods her head UP, and tuts)

FRAN
Is that yes, or no?

NUN (Repeats action and tuts)

FRAN
Can you slow down? You're not saying your offices are you? Secretly, under your breath? Well, good, because I'd like to ask you something. I've lost my job because I can't pay anyone to look after him - not and pay rent, which is stupid, right? I'm behind on the rent because I lost my job. The baby and me are being bounced around, and that can't be right. What do you think?

NUN
Two wrongs don't make a right!

FRAN
No they don't. My sister left town, not that I blame her. She's older and married with kids. But now I need a back-up, for when he's sick. Although right now I'd settle for any sort of help. I'm talking about emergency care-situation, something of that sort. Do you think the nuns would be interested in looking after my baby?


NUN
We're busy at the convent.

FRAN
I'm sure you are. Do you grow your own vegetables? We used to, but I guess you don't in the city. You probably do different sorts of things.

NUN
We do, we're busy from morning 'till night.

FRAN
I wish I was. I'm looking for another job. But if I have to take him with me to the interview it looks bad, like I have absolutely no other resources.

NUN
There are not enough of us now.

FRAN
Is that right?

NUN
We can't take him.

FRAN
I know he's a boy, but that's not his fault.

NUN(Tuts)

FRAN
Are there any orphanages where I could leave him?

NUN
Fraid not. None left since the curse of abortion.

FRAN
That's cut down on your work, then.

NUN (Tuts)
Oh don't jump to conclusions. We have more Catholic charities than ever, serving drug addicts, homeless, terminally ill patients, terminally ill children. It's a never ending list.

FRAN
Sounds like it.

NUN
We're not on our knees saying our rosaries all day, much as we'd like to be.



FRAN
If I could afford the ticket to India, I'd ask Mother Theresa. I'm sure she'd take him in.

NUN
If you were raised in a convent, you must know we're not set up to raise children.

FRAN
Umm, I can't see how...I mean, that doesn't follow... What about me?

NUN (Tuts)
That was then.

FRAN
Are you sure you don't want to look at him?

NUN
You really can't keep talking to me like this.

FRAN
Is it against the rules?

NUN
Yes!

FRAN
I thought you were supposed to help people, or is that only the Sisters of Charity.

NUN
If you can't look after him, hand him over to someone who can.

FRAN
The Feds? What about his religious education.

NUN
If you're lucky, a Catholic will adopt him.

FRAN
Umm, they usually have a lot of children. Pushing him in the stroller makes him sleep like a baby, it's the other twenty-three hours that are tough.

NUN
Oh dear, oh dear, I'll pray for you.

FRAN
Thank you! Is that all you can do? Don't mean to put you on the spot.

NUN
Go to a social worker, you have a social problem.

FRAN
I think it's a spiritual one too. If I decided to join your Order, what then? What would you do about my child then?

NUN
You can't become a Bride of Christ with a baby.

FRAN
But he loved children, didn't he?

NUN
Becoming a nun is a vocation, it's not an escape, not a way out of the world.

FRAN
That's what they used to say, yes. Suppose I had a vision.

NUN
Have you had a vision?

FRAN
Maybe.

NUN
You either have or you haven't. You can be certain of that. If you're lucky enough to be blessed, you'll know it. If there's one thing there's no mistaking, it's visions.

FRAN
Then I have, I have had a vision.

NUN
Keep further away. Why do you keep following me?

FRAN
So what do you suggest I do, now that you know I've had a vision?

NUN (Tuts)

FRAN
Have you taken a vow of silence?

NUN (Shakes her head and tuts)

FRAN
Then why don't you speak? Speak! Say something! I won't tell anyone what you said. I was practically raised in a convent, we have a lot in common.

NUN
No, no, no!

FRAN
We don't? You're a Buddhist?

NUN
Keep away from me, please, please. I have business to conduct for the Mother House.

FRAN
Did you believe I had a vision?

NUN
No!

FRAN
Why not?

NUN
Don't shout! (Quietly) Go to the State, they'll help you.

FRAN
Don't go, you're waiting for someone.

NUN
I can't wait here.

FRAN
Come back!

NUN
You need the Department of Human Service.

(NUN exits.)

FRAN
Where can I find that?
(FRAN exits)


Scene Three

(TONI has established her desk on stage, and now searches for her files, her briefcase, her glasses. FRAN enters, a little more weary than before.)

TONI
I'll be right with you.

FRAN
We can wait.

TONI
I'm not usually in this mess. To-day of all days. I always say that, don't believe me. I've mislaid my datebook. Ah yes, here we are. I'm smarter than I think, much smarter.

FRAN
They sent me this if it'll help. (She hands TONI a card.)

TONI
It says do not bend, fold, staple or mutilate. Which means don't crumple!

FRAN
Sorry.

TONI
According to this, you haven't got the baby's birth certificate.

FRAN
According to them, it's in the mail.

TONI
He?

FRAN
That's right!

TONI
Can't qualify for benefits if he's not registered.

FRAN
Tomorrow's the last day in my apartment.

TONI
Then you've come to the wrong office, you want Housing.

FRAN
They sent me here. I went up escalators, down stairs...
I went to the wrong building.

TONI
That's easily explained, they moved the building.

FRAN
Through garage walkways.

TONI
Sometimes I have trouble finding my own office.

FRAN
Through tunnels where they're reconstructing.

TONI
Always reconstructing something.

FRAN
I thought you were in hiding.


TONI
No, no, I don't get up every morning, shower, shave my legs, blow-dry my hair, dress and make up to hide from you. That is not my intention. Let's see, here's an I-59. That will assess you for AFDC.

FRAN
Aid to...

TONI
Families with Dependent Children.

FRAN
Good, great!

TONI
It's obviously not enough to live on.

FRAN
What about my rent?

TONI
You want Housing.

FRAN
You see it's like this, I can afford housing if I can find a job and I can find a job if someone will look after my baby.

TONI
Like any other suburban housewife, working mother, debutante, dilletante. Have you seen my pen? You didn't take it?

FRAN
No! It's quite simple. I might even be able to pay someone to look after him, if I get a good job.

TONI
A nanny for the little prince.

FRAN
Something like that. Can you help?

TONI
If the Government provided such things, I'd have kids.
Now that I've found my pen, let's zero in on what the problem really is.

FRAN
That's it! I want to work. Since I lost my job, I've been with him nonstop. At this point I'd like a few minutes alone. You don't know what a strain it is not being able to leave him for an hour, a minute, a second...


TONI
So what I'm hearing is, you want me to concentrate on the dependant child problem and come up with a solution to that?

FRAN
Yes, is that possible?

TONI
No! Not really! What do you do?

FRAN
Does that matter?

TONI
No, it's not relevant. I'm just interested.

FRAN
Accounting!

TONI
An accountant makes enough money to have kids!

FRAN
I'm a bookkeeper!

TONI
Then why your fervent desire to work?

FRAN
They told me you could help!

TONI
Calm down, I'm trying to help. I had a bad day yesterday, of all days. I'm not here to advise you, don't take advice from me. That's not my job. I'm here to help assess you, but you have to help me. I presume you don't want the adoption option.

(Trying to look at baby, FRAN moves stroller away from her.)

FRAN
Of course not.

TONI
Good, good, but where does that leave us? I can see you're a loving, if young and distraught mother.

FRAN
Am I in the right place?

TONI
I wouldn't call it that.


FRAN
I don't understand.

TONI
Because I hate the suggestion you're forcing me to make.
If you insist on working, and who knows why but that's your affair, then you'll have to put your baby...

FRAN
Yes?

TONI
I'm reluctant...I'm reluctant, you're sensing that - right?
Because I like you, and I feel we're on a friendly footing. Which is important! (Takes a deep breath) Foster care, that's the only choice we have left. Not that I'm belittling the hardy souls who take on the job. We rely heavily on them in emergencies but in your case it's not something I would advise. As a last resort, yes, and I'd see you get the best available, but.... what can I say?

FRAN
They're that bad?

TONI
No, no. In this state, yes, but not across the board. Cross state lines and you might have a completely positive experience. Different kind of people altogether, not what I'd call for want of another name...mercenaries. Every day I'm forced to recommend children to people I don't want to be in the same room with. Do you know what that does to me?

FRAN
I can imagine.

TONI
Gives me sinus headaches. I snack on aspirin.

FRAN
But you say they're not all bad?

TONI
No, but even if you're lucky and you have a good experience, the worse part is...trying to get the child back again!

FRAN
So that's not really an option.

TONI
I'm very very glad you think that.

FRAN
What is then?


TONI
Look after him yourself.

FRAN
I can't afford to, this is driving me insane.

TONI
Do you want an aspirin?

FRAN
Something a lot stronger than that. Last night, in the drugstore, I had another thought. If there was a pill I could give him to make sure he'd sleep all day. Then I'd be able to leave him in the stroller and work.

TONI
There aren't any pills that you'd want to give him.
FRAN
If he slept all day, soundly, without making a sound,
I could be with him all night, you see. We'd go to the playground in the dark, play hide and seek, play at being pirates. Run home through the empty streets. Draw pictures to hang on the fridge and make cookies and cakes till dawn.

TONI
That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?

FRAN
But there aren't any such pills?

TONI
No, of course not!

FRAN
Of course not. They'd make him dependent on them, right? And screw him up for the rest of his life?

TONI
Now if you or your child were on drugs you'd have a better chance. Rehab is not a bad choice. Given your alternatives, Rehab is your best bet. Some facilities allow you to keep the child and you'd both get warm, comfortable beds, hot food, psychiatric help, physical therapy and basket-weaving. Have you ever done drugs?

FRAN
No...

TONI
I'm not recommending them. But I don't want to split you two up. A combination of drug use and schizoid behavior can give you and the baby good accommodation until he gets old enough to warrant cheaper day care facilities.


FRAN
You mean like nursery school?

TONI
Have you ever had a nervous breakdown?

FRAN
I dream I'm mad sometimes. But then I wake up and realize I'm not.

TONI
How about any sado-masochist acts?

FRAN
Not more than usual.

TONI
No nipple rings?

FRAN
Four holes in one ear.

TONI
Borderline normal. No, I'm sorry to disappoint you but no court of inquiry would certify you. Unless you do something outrageous.

FRAN
Like what?

TONI
I don't know. Now you're expecting too much. It's not my job to sit here thinking up outrageous acts. If you can't be daring and original, you can't be crazy. Proof! You're boring and ordinary.

FRAN
Sorry!

TONI
Me too.

FRAN
And the only other alternative is...?

TONI
A welfare hotel!

FRAN
I don't think so. I've got to think. I don't think you're helping me.

TONI
I'm trying to.

FRAN
I seem to be in a worse state than when I came in.

TONI
I'll put you down for care then. You might not even qualify, but I'll put in a good word for your flightiness, talk up your neglect. Give me a call in six months.

FRAN
Six months? Then what was I making all the fuss about?

TONI
You're not an emergency case.

FRAN
The world may end in six months!

TONI
That's true, but more than likely the time will fly by and I'll be calling you up to bring him in and hand him over. And I'll hate that!

FRAN
In the meantime, how do I pay my rent?

TONI
As I said in the beginning,I was right - you were wrong, that's not my department. You'll want 602. Temporary housing, welfare hotels, next building over. Don't cross the road. Take the underpass. Top floor, turn left, right, left.

FRAN
Salt water, for your sinuses.


(FRAN takes her stroller and pushes it off-stage. TONI picks up garbage can and sweeps her desk clean, picks up her briefcase and exits.)


Scene Four

(BRIAN, in officer's uniform, enters, settles himself at desk. FRAN enters, tired and dispirited. The stroller is mud-stained and so is she.)

FRAN
I'm dead.

BRIAN
Can I help you?

FRAN
I'm looking for Canton Road Pool.

BRIAN
That's gone a couple of years now.

FRAN
Then I'm not lost.

BRIAN
No, there's a bank there now.

FRAN
I've been up and down the street, looking for it.


BRIAN
Closed. No one left around here to use it.

FRAN
Why did they shut that?

BRIAN
Well, they tore down that block.

FRAN
When?

BRIAN
Last year! The coffee shop's gone too. Now if you go out with some friends and one wants ice-cream, one wants a sandwich and one wants a bagel, you have to go to three different places.

FRAN
That was a big pool.

BRIAN
Huge! The Town Pool's still open. I've got the schedule here somewhere. Ah, here it is. You're in luck, women between seven and nine.

FRAN
I need to swim. To be honest I need to wash. I can wash him in the sink but the bath where I'm staying is filthy.

BRIAN
Fifty cents, towels a dollar but they're like wash-cloths, don't bother. Can't take the baby though, if he's under two. Might poop in the pool.

FRAN
No he won't, he's asleep!

BRIAN
They won't let you in with him.

FRAN
Oh no...

BRIAN
You can't swim with a kid anyway.

FRAN
Can I leave him here then?

BRIAN
You're joking.


FRAN
Why not? Why can't I leave him here?

BRIAN
Someone may steal him. No police station is that safe.
Is there anything else I can do for you?

FRAN
Look after my baby, that's all. For an hour, half an hour.

BRIAN
Do you realize the seriousness of what you're saying?

FRAN
I think so.

BRIAN
You can be put in jail for abandoning an infant.

FRAN
Really? For how long? I was advised to go insane, but becoming a criminal might be better. He'll be your problem.

BRIAN
Not mine. He'd be handed over to emergency foster care.

FRAN
Oh!

BRIAN
Right! Right! You don't want that I can tell.

FRAN
How can you tell?

BRIAN
You seem like a nice person. Of course weirdo's often do, but I can generally spot them and you don't seem weird.

FRAN
No?

BRIAN
Your eyes, your skin. No, I can spot weirdo's and you're not one of them.

FRAN
I'm having this endless day.

BRIAN
I thought so. Do you have any more kids?

FRAN
No...

BRIAN
That's your problem then. If you had other kids, you could leave him with them.

FRAN
I never thought of that.

BRIAN
But you don't. Have any other kids?

FRAN
No.

BRIAN
There's a number you parents can call if you're desperate.

FRAN
I am.

BRIAN
I'll look for it then. Here somewhere.

FRAN
That's good.

BRIAN
Yes, they've organized a support system. It's a marvelous thing. How come you can never find anything when you want it?

FRAN
Take your time.

BRIAN
There's so many crisis numbers...half of them aren't... Ah, this is it. I think! (He writes down number.)

FRAN
Now is this is a place I can leave him for an hour or two?

BRIAN
No, it's just a number. They talk to you, calm you down.

FRAN
You're talking to me, it doesn't help.

BRIAN
They're professionals.

FRAN
I don't want to talk to someone, I want a clean bathroom.


BRIAN
We might be able to let you use our bathroom. I'd be breaking the rules, but it might be arranged.

FRAN
I took him to the movies but that's not the same as putting him down and walking off to be entirely alone.

BRIAN
I guess not.

FRAN
I didn't even like the movie; it was somewhere to sit down. One hour! One little hour...

BRIAN
I'm off in an hour. Can't leave MacAllister this problem.

FRAN
I'll be back by then.

BRIAN
I can't. No way. Not officially.

FRAN
I knew you were an angel.

BRIAN
Not me, wrong man 'no way Jose' as we used to say in high school! Odd out of context...

FRAN
I had a great time at high school.

BRIAN
Me too! Most people don't.

FRAN
But that just makes it worse afterwards when you can't.

BRIAN (He deliberates.)
Go on then, but hurry back.

FRAN
You will? Are you serious?
BRIAN
One hour, no more.

FRAN
Bliss! I can do more than wash I can swim.

BRIAN
Supposing he does something. Cry!

FRAN
He won't.

BRIAN
Does he look like you?

FRAN
No, no, don't look at him. He'd be frightened of a strange face, he's only ever seen mine.

BRIAN(Increasingly suspicious)
Wait! Give me your name and address at least. And your telephone number.

FRAN
I don't have one.

BRIAN
What's his name, then?

FRAN
Same as yours?

BRIAN
Mine? You don't know mine. (He hands her book to write in. While she's writing, he bends down to look into stroller. She writes but catches his eye as he is about to investigate.)

FRAN
I had to find out.

BRIAN
What?

FRAN
I had to know if I could manage. They don't tell you. No one tells you what's really going on.

BRIAN
Who's no one?

FRAN
Me, I'm no one. There is no baby.


BRIAN
What?

(He puts his hand into stroller and withdraws it. He lets sand drip through his fingers.)

BRIAN
What have you done with him?

FRAN
Nothing! It's sand!

(She tries to put sand back.)

BRIAN (He tears stroller apart)
What happened to him?

FRAN
Nothing, there never was a real baby. It's sand, sand.

BRIAN
I don't believe this.

FRAN
Sand!

BRIAN
What's the story here, a baby carriage with no baby!

FRAN
I was experimenting, you know, like an experiment.

BRIAN
You are a fuckin' weirdo!

FRAN
I was practising.

BRIAN
You come in here wasting my time with an experiment?

FRAN
To find out if I could get help.

BRIAN
Playing me for a fool!

FRAN
No, I wasn't. I don't think you're a fool. You're the only one who offered to look after him.

BRIAN
HIM? You are looney tunes!


FRAN
You were the only one! I've been to a co-worker, a social worker, a nun!

BRIAN
You should have come straight to a police station.

FRAN
I'll go!

BRIAN
Here's where you get help.

FRAN
I'm really not crazy.

BRIAN
Then get out!

FRAN(Puts the toys back into the stroller)
I'm going.

BRIAN
Here's where we deal with real kids in real trouble!

FRAN
Yes.

BRIAN
Kids in states you can't even imagine! Who come in here for help. We're here for them! Like I was for you, lady!

(FRAN nods and slowly exits with stroller. He looks after her, then looks down at the sand. We hear the gravel crunch under his shoe. Black out)




END OF PLAY